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Tuesday, 08 May 2012

  • Getting it... Tomorrow.

    Today was a pretty good day.

    I've read Undone (really good!) and started Enchanted (so far, so good.)

    Spencer and I have given both the dogs baths. :) They are dirty already. :/

    Read a magazine out in the sun while doing some leg work. By some I mean VERY little leg work.

    I'll probably be babysitting a boy tomorrow. He doesn't behave very well... :/

    It still doesn't feel like summer to me. I've got to make more of an effort to get outside and get moving. I'm feeling very lethargic and disappointed with my performance academically. I need to move on and work on it.

    Tomorrow I'll be back to the five days a week/minimum of one hour working out. I'm thinking about making a structured plan for working out so I can work on certain zones each days. Babysitting might make it a little difficult to get my cardio in... depending on when his grandma comes to pick him up. Water only, again and no candy/eating out. Definitely need to go to Wal-Mart and get some healthy food. It'll be hard for me not to snack all day since I am at home.

    I got some shorts yesterday. Haha... :/ I feel okay wearing them right now, but I haven't really been in public either. I also used my bath and body works gift card that Spencer's parents got me for my birthday. I got PINK fresh vanilla body spray and lotion plus a free Pink Chiffon lotion (from B&BW's signature collection). I have eight dollars left plus another coupon for a free signature collection item with a ten dollar purchase that is in effect starting May 18. So, that's probably when I'll go back.

    I weight 160 pounds. So, all in all I'm still five pounds down from my original weight. :)

     

Sunday, 06 May 2012

  • Just more bitching...

    I know I shouldn't focus on the negative, at the same time I still need to express my feelings. All of my life is not terrible, but sometimes I do get really down.

    My mother and I think I need anxiety pills for the month of every semester. So far, starting in high school, I break down and cry a lot at the end when my finals come up. I feel like a failure and shut down on life even if I have good grades. We talked about it and are going to try it. Spencer thinks this is stupid. He has to understand that for me, being willing to take a pill actually means something. He knows I don't take medicine unless medically required- when I had strep. Yet he seems to think I'm taking the easy way out. :/ I just know that not everyone cries themself to sleep during the last month of school.

    Different note:: Spencer came up to help me move. He got to me at like four in the morning and I wanted to sleep and move the stuff in the morning. He was not having it. He yelled at me and broke my stuff. ugh. He was pissed because I hung out with Jori, my best friend, earlier in the day. Which... she's moving to Spain. So, it was my last day to hang out with her. I actually went to the bathroom and hid in the shower stall. Then he texted me and told me that he calmed down. So I went back and he wanted to make him dinner... at five in the morning. Fuck that. I just got in bed and tried to go to sleep. After he got done eating the food in my fridge he decided he was horny and stuck his hand down my pants. Are you fucking kidding me?! Excuse me sir, but I'm not your bitch and I'm not here for your pleasure. I shoved him away and cuddled the wall.

    We woke up an hour later and things were better. But then I had to say bye to Jori for real. I started crying. Which means something when people are involved. Haha, I might cry about my situation in life, but I don't cry about people... Unless I really care about them. And I just really started to think about how she was/is my best friend ever and I won't see her again. Ugh. Fucking sucks. Makes me cry now. And i started crying while saying bye and she flipped. She knows that I'm pretty introverted and has even experienced my lack of compassion- she'd be crying her eyes out and I'm the friend that makes jokes at her expense which cracks her up and grounds her back to reality. I'm the realistic level-headed girl when it comes to my friends (boyfriends and myself don't count, haha) so she started crying instantly. Ugh I just hate crying and I hate that I won't see my best friend when I go back to school.

    Kinda related- I haven't hung out with Kara, my best friend from high school, since high school. We don't even talk. She messaged me on fb the other day and said that we need to hang out. She always says that when we have a break. Yet, she never answers texts or calls. Whatever. I just feel like... Don't message me unless you mean it! Its not like I cornered you.

    But so we get to B-ville and Spencer goes to sleep. He wakes up when my dad leaves twenty bucks for us (my sister, spencer, and I) to get dinner. He spent half of it. Then he falls back asleep. When he wakes up I tell him that I want to do something. Its my first day back and so far I've been on the couch and to Sonic. He just rolls over and goes back to sleep. I fell asleep eventually and then at 11pm he wakes me up and tells me that he is going to go hang out with Punches at his Cinco de Mayo party. Seriously? You can wake up and hang out with him, but not me. So far he's been gone a little over four hours. Fuck him.

    Sometimes I talk to Kyle... one of my exes. He is still interested so I know his opinion is biased but he always talks about how I can do better. Haha, which of course he is referring to himself- hahahahhaha. Joke! But whatever, at least he is sweet. But sweetness will never be enough to get us back together. :/ But I do love Spencer. Yet lately I've realized that I lack... an intelligent connection with him. He only talks about basketball. I'm not joking. As he tells it, he's a star! Riiight. He's good, but he cheats too. So, I don't need to hear about the entire game you already said you lost... Yet somehow you were still soooo ah-mazing.

    I find myself having difficulty supporting him. He told me his mom wanted money for groceries. I asked how much and he said he was only willing to give 100. I asked what if she wants more? He said that he'd tell her no. I just laughed at him. He acts like a hardass and then lays on the ground for his parents to walk on.

    I'm so less excited about this summer than ever before. I need to try to make plans with what little friends i do hang out with here in town and find some activities I can do by myself that don't require getting a ride. I need to not depend on or... not do something because of Spencer. I wanted to give the dogs a bath today, but Spencer didn't want to- so we didn't. I want to go horseback riding and go to a rodeo, but Spencer doesn't want to. UGHHHH FUCK HIM.

    I mean there are good times. I just can't think of any at the moment.

Tuesday, 01 May 2012

  • Holding on to what I'm feeling, Savoring this heart that's healing...

    Meeee!

    Today has been a million times better. :)

    It all started with a wonderful dream where I was at the pool and this really hot half black/half white guy started flirting with me. He was so cute. Too bad it was just a dream. Haha, not that it would have mattered any way.

    Then I went to take a 8:00am Macro test. I feel pretty good about it.

    Plussss, I got to wear sweats today! This is my first day this whole year that I've been able to wear sweats during the day, during the work-week. It was exciting, but hot haha. :)

    Then I chatted with a co-worker at work because I had to go get my water bottles that I had left the day before. I guess this doesn't really matter... but I still felt happy about it. Sometimes I just love Sharon haha.

    Then I came back and was talking to a friend from Australia for a while. And I studied and studied- Tort laws. Second test at three, but the testing center was backed up so I couldn't take it until three thirty. I think I did okay. Her tests are soo tricky.

    Came back and helped my roommate pack up some of her stuff into her car.

    I have plans to make Tuna helper with Jori and study. Then at midnight we'll go get free pancakes from the Union.

    Obviously, I'm putting off my exercise until the end of the week.

    Oh, and one last thing... I haven't talked to Spencer at all today. Yesterday I called him when I was about to start bawling and he was so apathetic that it made me mad instead of sad. He literally didn't say a thing after I told him that I felt like crying. :( Hello! That means I want you to baby me! Haha. But so I hung up on him after that, which I know is mean... whatever, and he never called me or texted me until later that night at 11:00 (I called him at 1:00). He texted me and was like, "I talked to your mom and sorry about your test." Really? You didn't have to talk to my mom. You could have just asked me what was wrong when I freaking told you I was about to cry. I just said "k" and he was like, "Well, since you aren't going to talk to me- I love you and goodnight." and I said, "K" and he replied, "I got you a brownie." and I just went to bed. Then today he waited until 2:00 when he is usually in the car on his way to work to call me. Really? You have all day yesterday to call me and then you have more than half the day to call me today and you wait until last minute? I ignored him. I'm going to continue to ignore him too. I obviously can't depend on him to help keep me emotionally stabalized. -_- Sometimes that boy drives me crazy.... crazier. o.O

    Another thing about today... and me I guess. I don't know how I feel about God. I've been considering my belief a lot more this semester. It seems that when I do feel like I believe and give serious time to 'talk' with God I have better days. I'm not sure if this is just because of my 'comfort' theory or something else. Either way I'll take it. Today I prayed before my Macro test and I seriously felt so much better about it.

    So, this is the bikini I got for my birthday. Obviously, I still need to lose weight. It's a work in progress, k?!

    Anyway, byyee!

    P.S. Thanks for the encouragement yesterday!

Monday, 30 April 2012

  • And they paved paradise...

    I'm freaking out. My calves are like... in super pain. idk I can't even walk properly. Could they be sore from my Tuesday workout?

    I've broke out in hives- my legs, feet, arms, chest. Have to wear long sleeves and jeans everyday to cover it up.

    I've started my period two weeks early.

    I keep coughing up mucas.

    I've gained all the weight back.

    My calculator broke during my accounting final.

    I really hate school right now. I am seriously, seriously thinking about becoming an English major. But there's noooo money in that. How am I going to make a living off of that? SHIT.

    I've been on and off crying for the last few days.

    Fuck this life.

Monday, 09 April 2012

  • But tell me, did you sail across the sun?

    Yesterday I went to the gym and biked for an hour, very slowly because I was reading Catching Fire. I really dislike how the book cuts off right when it gets good, but I guess that's how those things go. I'm ready for the third book. I do like the series. I almost started crying at the gym like three times! Luckily it was dead because of Easter so no one was around to hear me choking up.

    I also walked/jogged for 1 mile which took up twenty minutes.

    I kinda started to eat a lot towards the end. I ate my dinner- an instant hamburger helper meal and then I ate a slice of deli meat chicken and then some apple wedges with caramel. I was super full by the end of it, so I really should not have eaten all of that. But I did.

    I weighed myself this morning and I went up to 157. :( Pooh. I knew I shouldn't have gotten too excited about the 156! I'll get it back down there though.

    I planned on going tanning and working out today. Then I woke up this morning and remembered that I have a Stat. exam at 5:30 tonight. That kinda ruined things. I can still do what I planned, I guess, but I'll just have to work around a couple things. I really, really want to tan though. I feel like I'm getting whiter! I need to study though, too. Bleh!